nothing wrong with this triangle! (a trio of participants from the summer 2012 intensive session)

by Stephen Crippen

Part of our work at the College helps leaders recognize the many ways they are in relationship with their people, because this awareness gives them more options for how to behave. You have many relationships in your life, and it’s easy enough to recognize them: your friend, your mom, your spouse. It’s harder to see all of the triangulated relationships you have: you, your mom, and her caregiver; or you, your spouse, and a friend who listens to your joys and sorrows about your marriage. Relationship triangles are everywhere in your life. They’re often useful: if your dog is sick, you go to the vet; you don’t try to keep that problem between yourself and your dog. Sometimes they’re necessary: if your dad is too old to drive but would be traumatized by this information, you need to talk to your siblings or your dad’s doctor about your options.

Other times, the triangles are problematic. You’re in conflict with someone in your congregation, and you discover that they’ve been talking about this conflict with somebody else. Again, this is common. Typically it’s not too difficult to sort out, but in a stressed-out system, these triangles can start to overwhelm the place and put the leader in a tough spot. What to do?

First, simple awareness is powerful. Your ability to recognize that you’re in a trianglefrees you up to respond flexibly to it. For example, someone comes to you to complain about somebody else, and you recognize right away that this is a triangle. Then what? You can listen empathetically and skillfully redirect the person in some way, or you could invite them to go to the third person together and sort it out.

Triangulation sometimes gets a bad rap, and occasionally for good reason: it can be a basic dynamic in a deeply troubled congregation. But if you recognize that it’s a basic element of human interaction, even when it’s toxic, you can recognize what’s going on, calm yourself down, and intervene with greater awareness and flexibility.

a trainer and his newsprint

Yesterday afternoon the halls of the Dumas Bay Conference center filled with the sound of future and current congregational developers, readying themselves for a week of learning, growing, and relationship building. Also present is the ubiquitous newsprint, markers, and the signature bi-polar weather of the Pacific Northwest.

This year’s group of participants is one of the most geographically diverse sets of folks the College has seen in a training yet.  Learners from eight Dioceses, including the home Diocese of Olympia, are represented by participants and training staff.

a lively plenary discussion of the Gather-Transform-Send model

Now that everyone has some group time and model discussion under their belts, the summer session is truly underway. Stay tuned for reflections from trainers and profiles of our participants as the week progresses!